I can't stop shaking

I'm trembling today. I don't know why. Maybe it's the meds I'm on, maybe it's just anxiety. I am anxious. I don't know why, again.

I'm at work doing my training and seemingly doing well (100% so far in my tests) but struggling to focus. Regardless of my results I am convinced I will fail. I know this is stupid.

I want to go home.  But don't want to face being there. I want to go to bed, but don't want tomorrow to hurry round. I think I just want peace and quiet for a few hours but don't know how to achieve that and think I will probably just stress about what I'm not doing anyway. I want to run away and hide for a while, but I'm scared of the consequences.

Why can't I think clearly and find a good solution?

Right now I just want to cry. I think it's mostly frustration with myself for not being able to pull myself together, even though I do know from experience that it's not a case of "pulling myself together" at all, but more of riding it out until I work out what the underlying issue is (if there is one) or my hormones and chemicals balance out again. But there is so much I need to be doing! Things that need a clear head! How can I be a good mum if i can't cope with my kids? How can I be a good wife when I am dumping so much responsibility on my husband? How can I be any good at my work if I can't focus on the tasks that need doing for more than a few minutes at a time?

I keep smiling and laughing with people at work. My managers know I am having problems at the moment, but I am keeping quiet with everyone else. Obviously my husband knows I am struggling a lot right now, but I've not told the rest of my family. I couldn't cope with any of the gentle "how are you" questions, sympathy, or concern. It sounds hollow (although it probably isn't) and makes how I feel so much more real and concentrated. I'm not ignoring it - I've sought help from the doctor - but I don't it bringing up every time I speak to someone about something else. I want to try and forget about it when I'm talking with other people. When I want to talk about it, I'll bring it up.

I'm feeling frustrated again now. It's time to go home and part of me wants to rush out of the door and go, and another wants to hang around and put off getting home. I need to cook. Help with homework. Wash uniforms. Put the kids to bed with a good story. Nothing major, mums do it every day all over the world and think nothing of it. I normally think nothing of it. Normally I enjoy it! Today.... today I just want to go to bed as soon as I get in and speak to no one. I hope the kids are behaving. I think I need a nice big hug from them all to get me through the next 3 hours.