Monday, 14 September 2015

How I am an awful wife and mother

I am a depression sufferer.

I mostly suffer from SAD.

Right now I am depressed and it's not because of SAD.

I have "no reason" to be depressed. I am happily married to a loving and understanding husband. I have four kids who are all healthy and bright. I have good relationships with my family and in-laws. I have a job that I enjoy with people that I like. I have no money worries. I have lovely friends who would be there for me in a heart beat if I called on them.

And yet here I am.

I am struggling with basic things, like getting motivated to wash unless I am going to work (because I have no choice then), tidy up, cook for my family. I have lost interest in the things which I normally enjoy - going out the kids, playing with them, reading, chatting with friends. I force my self to do these things but if I can avoid them then I will. Not because I want to, but I feel like I can't cope with doing them.

Stupid thoughts fill my brain; what if my boss suddenly decides I'm a fraud and I lose my job? How will I cope if something happened to my husband? Or my kids? I find myself experiencing a kind of waking nightmare as I unwillingly picture horrible things happening to people I love. Or myself.

I'm not suicidal, I don't self harm, but I imagine things beyond my control happening and being helpless to stop it.

Random normal things suddenly seem immensely difficult, like calling to the petrol station to fuel my car. I need to do it, I do it every month. But one day it seems like the most nerve wracking thing in the world. For no reason.

I shout. For no reason most of the time. I feel out of control most of the time. I hide. I can be in the kitchen failing to do anything productive for hours at a time if my kids and husband let me get away with it. I go to bed early but don't sleep. I don't want to get up in the mornings and face the day, but I know that staying in bed all day will just make me feel so much worse.

Each day that I fail to motivate myself to enjoy my family I hate myself, because I know these days are precious. My babies will not be babies for long. One day they will be fully grown and enjoying all the wonderful things adult life brings. And I will regret the days not spent at the park, not up to our elbows in paint, not playing forts with cardboard boxes and blankets. Every time I shout at my kids because I'm not coping with them being kids I hate myself. At no point do I want to be "that mum" but right now I am. And I can't seem to stop. Even as I yell for some insignificant reason there is a voice in my head saying "why?" But my mouth has already shot off and my kids looks sad and confused. Hate hate hate it. I dread the thought that I am teaching them that this is how they should treat their kids.

My husband knows I am depressed. He is understanding and supportive. I am putting so much on him. He is picking up my slack. Sorting out the laundry, getting the kids their breakfast, cooking dinner on the days where I just can't face it. This is as well as being an awesome dad to the kids. I think that without him I would have completely fallen apart a long time ago. So no pressure there! He has no way of knowing from one moment to the next how my mood will change, but he rides with it and only occasionally shows how frustrating it is for him. I want to be a better wife as much as I want to be a better mum to our kids.

I want to get better. But don't know why I'm not well.

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