Work pressures

I love my job. I'm one of those lucky people who (when I'm not depressed) is quite happy to get up and go to work in the morning. I like what I do, I seem to be reasonably good at it, and I like the people I work with. The the last two days have been hard. There have been so many "urgent" jobs that needed to be done yesterday or quicker and it was so difficult to know how to prioritise and get through stuff. Normally I am good with time management and planning my work. For over 2 hours I just dithered. Luckily I managed to delegate some stuff, and had a frank conversation with my boss and the other departments to say that "No! I wont take on any more jobs until next week!"

Last night, after the kids went to bed, I vented long and hard to my husband about how much pressure I was under. I felt better for doing it. Although I was still shaking like I have been all week.

Today some of the urgent jobs were finished, and others have moved on, the rest I have explained will not get done - by me at least - until other stuff was done first. And I insisted. And the world didn't end.

Today is a better day.

Today I haven't felt as foggy. Today I am trembling less. Today I am not wanting to cry or shout.

But I haven't wanted to eat today, missing breakfast and lunch and only nibbling on some left overs from yesterday. I am a big food eater normally (over weight), and not eating isn't a great thing for me. I left a lot of my lunch yesterday, I just couldn't face it, and I picked at my dinner (letting my youngest come and stuff his face off my plate instead).

I am hopeful that the weekend will be good though.

Highs and lows

I had an ok morning. I walked to town pushing baby in the pram. Its lovely and sunny. I called in on a few shops and met up with a friend for coffee. She has depression  too and we discussed the different medication we've been give. The kind of conversation you can only have with another sufferer. She gets anxiety too, worse than I do I think. Its good that we can talk to each other without any judgement.

But I'm home now with an hour to kill before I bring my toddler home from nursery and all my motivation has left me.  I wish someone else was picking him up.  I don't want to go out again. But I have no choice.

I should be spending this hour sorting out the dishwasher and laundry but instead I am feeling sorry for myself and tapping this out on my phone. Baby is happy munching a banana and watching Baby Jake on TV. I'm lucky to have such good kids.

I need to find some motivation. The kids need clean uniforms for tomorrow. I should have put them on to wash yesterday but didn't. Why do I keep putting off simple jobs? Why am I finding washing a few tshirts and trousers stressful?  It makes no sense! None of this does.

I feel like I'm crashing get down from some kind of high. Going to town and feeling human and normal for a bit was great. Now I'm home and feel rubbish again.

I can't stop shaking

I'm trembling today. I don't know why. Maybe it's the meds I'm on, maybe it's just anxiety. I am anxious. I don't know why, again.

I'm at work doing my training and seemingly doing well (100% so far in my tests) but struggling to focus. Regardless of my results I am convinced I will fail. I know this is stupid.

I want to go home.  But don't want to face being there. I want to go to bed, but don't want tomorrow to hurry round. I think I just want peace and quiet for a few hours but don't know how to achieve that and think I will probably just stress about what I'm not doing anyway. I want to run away and hide for a while, but I'm scared of the consequences.

Why can't I think clearly and find a good solution?

Right now I just want to cry. I think it's mostly frustration with myself for not being able to pull myself together, even though I do know from experience that it's not a case of "pulling myself together" at all, but more of riding it out until I work out what the underlying issue is (if there is one) or my hormones and chemicals balance out again. But there is so much I need to be doing! Things that need a clear head! How can I be a good mum if i can't cope with my kids? How can I be a good wife when I am dumping so much responsibility on my husband? How can I be any good at my work if I can't focus on the tasks that need doing for more than a few minutes at a time?

I keep smiling and laughing with people at work. My managers know I am having problems at the moment, but I am keeping quiet with everyone else. Obviously my husband knows I am struggling a lot right now, but I've not told the rest of my family. I couldn't cope with any of the gentle "how are you" questions, sympathy, or concern. It sounds hollow (although it probably isn't) and makes how I feel so much more real and concentrated. I'm not ignoring it - I've sought help from the doctor - but I don't it bringing up every time I speak to someone about something else. I want to try and forget about it when I'm talking with other people. When I want to talk about it, I'll bring it up.

I'm feeling frustrated again now. It's time to go home and part of me wants to rush out of the door and go, and another wants to hang around and put off getting home. I need to cook. Help with homework. Wash uniforms. Put the kids to bed with a good story. Nothing major, mums do it every day all over the world and think nothing of it. I normally think nothing of it. Normally I enjoy it! Today.... today I just want to go to bed as soon as I get in and speak to no one. I hope the kids are behaving. I think I need a nice big hug from them all to get me through the next 3 hours.

How I am an awful wife and mother

I am a depression sufferer.

I mostly suffer from SAD.

Right now I am depressed and it's not because of SAD.

I have "no reason" to be depressed. I am happily married to a loving and understanding husband. I have four kids who are all healthy and bright. I have good relationships with my family and in-laws. I have a job that I enjoy with people that I like. I have no money worries. I have lovely friends who would be there for me in a heart beat if I called on them.

And yet here I am.

I am struggling with basic things, like getting motivated to wash unless I am going to work (because I have no choice then), tidy up, cook for my family. I have lost interest in the things which I normally enjoy - going out the kids, playing with them, reading, chatting with friends. I force my self to do these things but if I can avoid them then I will. Not because I want to, but I feel like I can't cope with doing them.

Stupid thoughts fill my brain; what if my boss suddenly decides I'm a fraud and I lose my job? How will I cope if something happened to my husband? Or my kids? I find myself experiencing a kind of waking nightmare as I unwillingly picture horrible things happening to people I love. Or myself.

I'm not suicidal, I don't self harm, but I imagine things beyond my control happening and being helpless to stop it.

Random normal things suddenly seem immensely difficult, like calling to the petrol station to fuel my car. I need to do it, I do it every month. But one day it seems like the most nerve wracking thing in the world. For no reason.

I shout. For no reason most of the time. I feel out of control most of the time. I hide. I can be in the kitchen failing to do anything productive for hours at a time if my kids and husband let me get away with it. I go to bed early but don't sleep. I don't want to get up in the mornings and face the day, but I know that staying in bed all day will just make me feel so much worse.

Each day that I fail to motivate myself to enjoy my family I hate myself, because I know these days are precious. My babies will not be babies for long. One day they will be fully grown and enjoying all the wonderful things adult life brings. And I will regret the days not spent at the park, not up to our elbows in paint, not playing forts with cardboard boxes and blankets. Every time I shout at my kids because I'm not coping with them being kids I hate myself. At no point do I want to be "that mum" but right now I am. And I can't seem to stop. Even as I yell for some insignificant reason there is a voice in my head saying "why?" But my mouth has already shot off and my kids looks sad and confused. Hate hate hate it. I dread the thought that I am teaching them that this is how they should treat their kids.

My husband knows I am depressed. He is understanding and supportive. I am putting so much on him. He is picking up my slack. Sorting out the laundry, getting the kids their breakfast, cooking dinner on the days where I just can't face it. This is as well as being an awesome dad to the kids. I think that without him I would have completely fallen apart a long time ago. So no pressure there! He has no way of knowing from one moment to the next how my mood will change, but he rides with it and only occasionally shows how frustrating it is for him. I want to be a better wife as much as I want to be a better mum to our kids.

I want to get better. But don't know why I'm not well.